Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

A good joke about a husband

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma' am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't . He just walked in the door.'

Classic short and sweet joke

Where's the English Channel?
I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.

Sherlock Holmes - Elementary Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent

Paul, a senior official in his company, walked into a London bank and asked to see the loan’s manager. 

He said he was going to America on business for two weeks and needed to borrow £10,000 [$19,000USD]. The loan manager said that the bank would need some collateral for such a loan. 

Paul immediately handed over the keys of a Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as security for the loan. 

An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the Paul returned, repaid the £10,000 and the interest, which amounted to some £9.41 [$18USD]. 

The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow £10,000?'

With a broad grin Paul responded, 'Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for less than £10?'

Hot Air?

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman tending to the flowers in her garden. He descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Accountant,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?' 

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my journey.'

The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it's now become my fault!' 

Ode To The New Year

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt - I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!  

                                                               [Auther unknown]

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight , as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'. 

---

 An American entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman

'Where are you from, pal?' asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while. 'I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world,' said the American.

'Are you?' said the other. 'You have a very funny accent for a Scotsman.'

The Story of A Valentine's Kiss

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship for Valentine's day, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good kisser, and a girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Kiss me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (405) 865-5675 and ask for Daisy.

Over 12,000 'Romeos' phoned and found themselves talking to the Memphis Humane Society about an 7-week old Labrador retriever dog.

Nigel, an alcoholic, staggered into a bar on Valentine's Day and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated there, walked up to her and gave her kiss in honour of Valentine's Day.  She jumped up and slapped him really hard.  Nigel immediately apologised and explained, 'Look, I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife.  You look exactly like her.'

'Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!' she screamed at the top of her voice. 'Funny,' Nigel muttered, shaking his head, 'you even sound exactly like her.'

An air controller comes back on the airwaves and says, 'Michael, I think the call sign you're looking for is: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday!'.

Father Christmases Set a World Record

A new world record has been set for the most Father Christmases congregated in one place.

Over 14,200 Santa Claus's paraded through the streets of Porto, in Portugal, to raise money for charity . They sang songs and danced through the inclement weather - drizzly rain and cold.

To go with the spirit of Santa's gift-giving, every Pai Natal [as he is known in Portugal] also donated 1 € [euro] to buy presents for the needy children in Porto, to which the general fundraising also contributed.

The last world record for the largest gathering of Santa Clauses was set in 2007 in Northern Ireland, where 12,965 people took part, dressed either as Santa or as Santa's helpers. Word has come from the city of Derry, last year's winners; they have promised they will attempt to beat Porto in 2009.

a) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'  

'Well', replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

b) The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

Gender Differences

An English teacher wrote the words, 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate so that it made sense.

The boys wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'

The girls wrote: 'Woman!  Without her, man is nothing.'

Short Story - Mine's A Pint

A man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of bitter.
The barman says, 'Bitter's off just now, we're waiting for the dray and a delivery.'

The man says, 'OK then, I'll have a rum and coke.' After drinking his rum and coke, he goes back to the bar and asks again for a pint of bitter.
Once again the barman says that they don't have any, so the man orders a screwdriver.
He drinks his screwdriver. He then goes back and asks yet again for a pint of bitter. 

The barman says 'Look, if you take the rum out of a rum and coke, what do you have?' The man replies, 'Coke.'

'If you take the vodka out of a screwdriver, what do you have?' The man replies, 'Orange juice.'

'Now, if you take the flame out of a pint of bitter, what do you have?' The man looks puzzled, 'There is no flame in a pint of bitter.' The barman replies, 'That's what I've been trying to tell you!'

Those Wanting to be Married

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Finally:  Thinking Man - A little Reading is Dangerous

The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,

'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'